So our IUI failed. I knew it was a failure by this past Saturday when I tested at 10dpiui and it was negative. I tried to convince myself I had seen a slight line but it wasn’t really there. I stopped my progesterone on Tuesday by not taking my nightly pill. I went in yesterday, July 5th to confirm my negative beta. I fully expected AF to be here yesterday as well since she usually comes on the 5th every month. Of course she didn’t show up as expected.
Yesterday was brutal. Not only am I starting to feel the old emotions of infertility bearing down on me, but my life is falling apart. More so, my family. It is affecting me alot. I won’t get into all of the details but I basically sat at work yesterday uncontrollably sobbing over everything going on. Then my nurse, C called and mentioned Dr. S wanted to talk to me about not doing another IUI. I was very confused and told her we want to do more and the money is not the issue. I ended up calling her back this morning and talking to her again. I explained to her that my head was a jumbled mess yesterday and I didn’t really understand. Apparently the doc had wanted to see if I wanted to schedule a follow up appointment to discuss other options. Well as far as I am concerned we don’t have other options because we cannot afford IVF. Apparently he was also concerned about the money aspect of it for us, which I appreciate. I explained to her (my nurse) that a wonderful angel gifted us 4 vials of 900IU each of Follistim. Those vials are like almost $900 a vial and she gave me 4 of them for free! That is the kind of generous women I have been blessed to meet along this journey. Women who want to be there to help out a fellow sister struggling.
Anyway, I felt a lot better after speaking to her this morning and letting her know we are on board for whatever he recommends. I told her how the additional days of stims really affected me this past cycle but also told her if that is what he wants us to do for this next cycle we are down. He was very happy with my follies and numbers this last cycle so I am pretty sure he is going to want to follow the same protocol. And the bitch finally arrived this afternoon so I am glad we can begin again!
I have been very emotional again lately and doing a lot of sobbing. Even being on depression meds is not completely helping. I decided I needed to get on some depression meds while TTC #2 because I need to be semi-normal for my own sanity, the sanity of my family and Jaxon needs a mom who can focus on him and not be consumed with sadness over a baby who does not yet exist in my womb. That is not fair to him. And I say womb because that is just it, I believe our future baby does exist in spirit form. There has to be a baby out there meant for our family. Someone who will fit with all 3 of us. Someone whose soul is meant to intertwine with ours. Do I have faith it will happen? Yes. Most days. But it doesn’t mean I am not allowed to have bad days. It doesn’t mean that it makes it any less hard. I have no idea when it will happen. I have no idea if it will. Maybe it won’t. Maybe I am crazy. But I try to hold onto faith. Sometimes it is the only thing that gets me through the madness. Not knowing when it will happen and going through all of the steps is the hardest part.
I have held myself together very well the past few months. Until we got to cycle #4 and our first IUI for baby #2. For some reason this past cycle really threw me for a lot of loops. I hate being back in these emotions. I hate the longing feeling for someone who is not here but I can’t help but feel like there is still someone missing. It is the weirdest feeling. Hubby keeps saying IUI #2 for Jaxon was the charm so hopefully the next IUI for this baby will be the charm. I always tell people it never works the first time anyways, so hopefully that is the problem here, lol. We will see. For now I am just going to try to pull myself back together and keep on truckin!
I am not full flow yet so they will consider tomorrow CD1 and I have my CD3 US and bloodwork on Monday, July 9th.