Meme above is for me! How stupid was I to think this would actually work the first time? Well, let’s just say pretty stupid.
I started out the TWW with a lot of calm and serene thoughts. I told myself that it most likely would not work, as this is our first time trying this. I was not feeling negative, and I was not feeling positive, I was very neutral. That all lasted a week and then the second week in I started to have weird symptoms which I had never had before. I was feeling a stretching like sensation in my abdomen area and having some cramping. I talked to some of the girls on my facebook group and some of them had had the same symptoms the same month they got pregnant. Not to mention the other symptoms as well. Well that got my hopes up. I started to think “omg, what if this is it?” and I started to get hopeful. I got too hopeful. I think the progesterone caused the symptoms, because it is a pregnancy hormone. I would be really happy if I never had to supposit another progesterone pill again! Not sure that is a word, but oh well. Last Friday on 11dpiui I took a pregnancy test. It was negative. I told my hubby and he said that it’s ok and he didn’t expect it to work the first time. I spoke to the girls in my group and some said 11dpiui was still sort of too soon to test so then I got my hopes up a little bit more thinking maybe I had just tested too soon. Friday morning we went out of town on a mini vacation for the weekend as we desperately needed it. On Sunday morning when I woke up I took another test. Another negative. I was 13dpiui and my beta test was scheduled for the next day, Monday morning. I lost it. I cried and cried and I told hubby that I just wanted to leave the hotel and get home. All I wanted was to be home with my cats (I know, I will likely be the old crazy cat lady). We cut the trip short, checked out of the hotel by 9:15am and went for breakfast. I cried at breakfast too. We went home and finished our relaxing for the weekend. Monday I went in before work and had my blood drawn for the beta. I waited all day for the nurse to call me. I knew in my heart that it would be negative but I just wanted her to hurry up and call and rip the bandage off, so to speak. She called right before 4pm Monday to confirm that it was negative. I thought I had gotten all of my crying taken care of on Sunday, but nope. I cried at work, in my office by myself. I left work about an hour later and my friend called me as soon as I left and I lost it on the phone with her. I called my mom and sobbed ugly sobs to her. I let myself get too hopeful. The most hopeful I have ever been, and BOOM!!! CRASHING DOWN I CAME!! This is the most depressed I have ever been from a negative result. Or at least this is the most depressed I remember being. Except for at Christmas time last year. I am close to that depression. The depression where you really want to die and you don’t care what happens to you. That’s all I will say on that for now because no one wants to hear it. I just spoke to my nurse a little while ago and we are doing the same protocol as last cycle. I expect AF to be here by tomorrow as I am already in a lot of pain today in my lower back and abdomen. Once the bitch arrives I will likely do CD3 US and blood work and then start the letrozole that day as well. CD7 will be my first shot of FSH again and I will go in on CD9 to see where we are at and I will then do the FSH shots as needed. I hope we can get some good follicles like last time. I just hope my body responds quicker. We will see. I need to try to go into this next round with no expectations. I am so sick and fuckin tired of being disappointed and devastated. Every month I get a negative test it feels like I lost a baby. My time and my life just keep slipping away. It’s just gotten to be too much for me to handle. I don’t know how women can handle IVF. More power to them. We decided we will do this May cycle and if it doesn’t work we will be taking a break in June and deciding what to do from there. We were told by the doctor that he sees the best results within the first 3 IUI’s. So we have 2 shots left til he will suggest IVF. We can’t keep going with these much longer. This last cycle cost $720. Most of that which was meds paid for by my wonderful mother. Who can afford $720 a month for any one bill, unless it’s rent?! Not us. It makes me feel like shit that her money was wasted. It was all for nothing. Our money and her money, all for nothing. It blows my mind how 2 eggs and 52 million swimmers and nothing!!!!